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Cursed strips from the deck.

Three-panel dispatches from an undead pirate metal band trying to survive the modern world without surrendering the ship.

Monday, Wednesday, Friday Pirate metal misadventures
Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in the ship rehearsal hold. The First Mate asks, "Why does your guitar sound like that?" The Captain proudly declares, "My axe has not changed in three hundred years!" Looking down at the guitars, the First Mate replies, "Neither have the strings."

Strip 053

Vintage Tone

Three centuries of tone. Zero string changes.

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Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in the ship rehearsal hold. The First Mate asks, "Why does your guitar sound like that?" The Captain proudly declares, "My axe has not changed in three hundred years!" Looking down at the guitars, the First Mate replies, "Neither have the strings."

Strip 053

Vintage Tone

Three centuries of tone. Zero string changes.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic on a moonlit shore. The First Mate says, "The promoter sent our deposit." The Captain buries the treasure and declares, "Safe where no mortal can touch it!" Holding a bank card, the First Mate replies, "The van rental takes debit."

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The Deposit

Buried treasure. Immediate cash-flow problem.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in a ship rehearsal cabin. The First Mate says, "We need a rehearsal date." The undead Captain spreads his arms and declares, "We have all eternity!" The First Mate replies, "The drummer can do Tuesday. Maybe."

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The Rehearsal Schedule

All eternity. Subject to drummer availability.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic backstage. The First Mate tells the undead Captain, "The fans want a meet and greet." The Captain throws his arms wide and declares, "Let them tremble before their idol!" Holding a phone and looking deflated, he hears the First Mate explain, "They want you to hold the camera."

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The Meet and Greet

Immortal legend. Available photographer.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic outside a music venue. The First Mate says, "The venue needs proof of age." The Captain holds up an old document: "Behold! My death certificate!" The First Mate replies, "They need something that has not expired."

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Proof of Age

Three centuries undead. Still getting carded.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic backstage at a Halloween gig. The skeletal Captain asks, "I lost the costume contest?!" He protests, "This curse is three centuries old!" The First Mate replies, "The judges said it looked fake."

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The Costume Contest

Three centuries cursed. Points deducted for realism.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in a ship songwriting cabin. The Captain declares, "I await a message from my muse!" The First Mate asks, "Have you tried calling her?" Holding his phone, the Captain admits, "She blocked me."

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The Creative Process

Divine inspiration. Straight to voicemail.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in a ship rehearsal hold. The undead Captain boasts, "I have sung this song for centuries!" The First Mate asks, "Then what is the second verse?" The Captain replies, "Play a longer solo."

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The Forgotten Verse

Centuries of experience. One missing verse.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in a dockside venue dressing room. The undead Captain says, "This mirror shows no reflection!" He raises a fist and declares, "The curse has made me a vampire!" Beside a window overlooking the moonlit harbor, the First Mate replies, "Captain, that is a window."

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The Reflection

Immortal frontman. Questionable reflection.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in an empty dockside venue. The First Mate says, "The promoter wants ticket numbers." The undead Captain raises a fist and declares, "We shall never sell out!" Gesturing toward empty chairs, the First Mate replies, "So far, we have sold none."

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Selling Out

Artistic integrity. Zero advance sales.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic backstage. Beside the Captain holding a phone, the First Mate says, "The review gave us one star." The undead Captain spreads his arms and declares, "I deserve a constellation!" As the Captain studies the phone, the First Mate adds, "It says too much ego."

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The Review

One star. Astronomical expectations.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic backstage at a dockside venue. The undead Captain raises a hand and declares, "I answer to no mortal!" With a phone between them, the First Mate says, "Your boss needs you Saturday." The Captain lowers his shoulders and replies, "Ask if I can leave at five."

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The Day Job

Immortal rebellion. Subject to shift availability.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic at a merchandise table. The First Mate says the venue takes thirty percent. The Captain asks, "And they never boarded our ship?" Impressed, he concludes, "We chose the wrong kind of piracy."

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The Merch Cut

The Captain discovers professional piracy.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic on a dockside tavern stage. The undead Captain holds a guitar and boasts, "My solo left them speechless!" The First Mate interrupts, "Captain..." Gesturing toward the empty room and vacant chairs, the First Mate explains, "They left during the solo."

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The Solo

A solo so powerful it cleared the room.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic on a moonlit dock. The First Mate tells the undead Captain, "I found our new drummer." The Captain raises a hand and asks, "What dark power does he possess?" With a plain white touring van behind them, the First Mate replies, "He owns a van."

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The Audition

The darkest power in metal: reliable transportation.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic on a moonlit ship rehearsal deck. The First Mate tells the Captain, "Reunion tours pay double." The Captain objects, "But we never broke up." Suddenly inspired, the Captain points off the deck and declares, "You're all fired. See you Monday."

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The Reunion

Creative differences. Financial similarities.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic backstage at a dockside venue. The First Mate gestures toward the equipment and says, "The venue wants insurance." The undead Captain raises his fists and declares, "We have already conquered death!" The First Mate sits beside the guitar amplifiers and replies, "It's for the rented amps."

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The Insurance

Death defeated. Equipment deposit pending.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in a pirate ship recording studio. The First Mate asks, "Ready to release the album?" The undead Captain replies, "One last tiny change." In the final panel cobwebs hang over the same studio and the album is still unfinished. The First Mate replies, "You said that last century."

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The Final Mix

Immortal musicians. Indefinite release date.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The First Mate reads a booking offer: The gig pays in exposure. The undead Captain raises his fists: Glory is worth more than gold! Standing in a flooded ship with water gushing through a hole, the First Mate asks: Can glory patch the hull?

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The Exposure Deal

Legendary exposure. Actual repair costs.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic in a moonlit graveyard. The First Mate asks, "A graveyard rehearsal?" The Captain sings into a microphone and declares, "Tonight, we wake the dead!" A sleepy green ghost in striped pajamas takes the microphone and replies, "Some of us work mornings."

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The Noise Complaint

Wake the dead. Meet the neighbors.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic on a moonlit ship. Beside the Captain, the First Mate says, "We need to cut ten minutes." The Captain gestures beside a microphone and declares, "I will not sacrifice a single song!" As the Captain holds an enormous speech scroll spilling onto the deck, the First Mate replies, "Fine. Just skip your speeches."

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The Short Set

All killer. Forty minutes of introductions.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic on a moonlit pirate ship. The skeletal First Mate holds a phone and says, "We need a new band photo." The undead Captain strikes a grand pose and commands, "Capture my immortal soul!" Still examining the phone while the Captain poses, the First Mate replies, "It says no face detected."

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The Band Photo

Immortal presence. Undetectable face.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic at a pirate ship merch table. Looking at an order slip beside crates of black shirts, the First Mate asks, "Why is every shirt XL?" The undead Captain raises his hand and declares, "We do nothing small." The Captain then holds up a shirt beside a pile of unsold merchandise and an empty cash box, while the First Mate replies, "Except sales."

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The Merch Sizes

Grand ambition. Limited sizing.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic outside a gothic concert venue. The First Mate asks the undead Captain, "Did you sort the guest list?" The Captain throws his arms up before a crowd of green spectral pirates and declares, "I summoned every soul we ever damned!" Beside a queue of ghosts, the First Mate replies, "You get two plus-ones."

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The Guest List

Eternal damnation. Limited guest allocation.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. On a wooden stage, the First Mate tells the undead Captain there is no power. The Captain raises his arms, conjures green spectral flames around an amplifier, and declares that they shall run on pure evil. In the final panel, the Captain holds up a disconnected electrical plug while the First Mate replies, "Evil still needs an outlet."

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Infernal Power

Dark powers. Standard electrical requirements.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The First Mate warns the Captain not to overdo their new fog machine. The Captain spreads his arms and declares, "Let our presence be felt across the realm!" Thick green fog engulfs the stage. Looking down beside his unimpressed guitarist, the Captain asks, "Has anyone seen my pedalboard?"

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Stage Presence

Legendary atmosphere. Approximately zero visibility.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. On a green-lit harbor stage, the undead Captain demands another encore and declares they can play all night. He raises one finger and proclaims, "We are immortal! We can play forever!" Beside a parking meter showing a red warning, the First Mate replies, "The parking meter isn't."

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The Eternal Encore

Eternal damnation. Two-hour parking.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. An undead pirate Captain hears the crowd demands a stage dive while the First Mate asks whether he means the whole stage. The Captain cries for glory, and the final panel shows a full wooden concert stage with drum kit plunging into the sea as he declares the crowd follows.

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The Stage Dive

The crowd requested a stage dive. The Captain supplied one at full scale.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. An undead pirate captain confronts a laptop password reset with his skeptical First Mate. Their cursed parrot reveals that the supposedly unguessable password was simply password.

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The Password Reset

Even cursed captains eventually meet account recovery.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The First Mate tells the undead pirate Captain that the venue sent an advance, and the Captain declares they will sail forward. A giant cursed pirate ship pushes through a grand entrance while the First Mate warns that it is the front entrance. The Captain asks whether they reached the stage, and the First Mate replies that they reached legal representation.

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The Advance

The venue sent an advance. The Captain took it as a navigational order.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The First Mate tells the undead pirate Captain that a producer says he needs Auto-Tune. The Captain orders the crew to awaken and tune a cursed antique automobile. In the final panel, the First Mate says the automobile is tuned but the Captain remains the problem, and the Captain appoints the car lead singer.

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The Auto-Tune

The Captain takes Auto-Tune exactly as seriously as it deserves.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. An undead pirate-metal Captain receives a promoter group chat on a smartphone while the First Mate looks exhausted. On deck, the Captain holds a solemn war council around the phone and declares every voice will be heard; the First Mate says there are 83 people in it. In the final panel, messages swirl around the Captain as he calls it a worthy siege, and the First Mate says it is mostly parking updates.

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The Group Chat

The Captain hears “group chat” and summons the crew for a proper parley.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. In the Captain’s cabin, an undead pirate Captain announces that the tour requires support while the First Mate guitarist looks skeptical. On the dock, the Captain commands sacred supports beneath the ship as the First Mate explains they meant money. In the final panel, the black galleon stands absurdly high on giant wooden stilts above the port; the Captain says the tour is elevated, and the First Mate notes that so are the ticket prices.

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The Tour Support

The Captain hears that the tour needs support and raises the ship accordingly.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic: undead pirate-metal Captain orders a legendary load-in outside a venue; the First Mate explains they are at the front door; the Captain calls the door surrendered while the actual loading dock is visible behind them.

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The Load-In

The crew treats venue logistics as a campaign of conquest.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The First Mate tells the undead pirate Captain that the venue says their green room is ready. The Captain orders the chamber painted green, and the crew turns it into a glowing green backstage room. In the final panel, the Captain stands proudly in the green room as the First Mate notes there are no chairs, but it is green.

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The Green Room

The venue promised a green room. The Captain took that as a specification.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The First Mate tells the undead pirate Captain that the venue sent their rider. The Captain arrives at the venue on a large black horse, then learns the rider meant snacks and water. In the green room, the First Mate says they have no snacks because the horse ate the hummus.

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The Rider

When the venue sends a rider, the Captain insists on arriving properly mounted.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The promoter asks the undead pirate metal band for a content calendar, so the Captain vows to conquer every date. The crew hauls a giant calendar onto the ship and marks every square while the First Mate objects. In the final panel, the Captain proudly presents the calendar as the First Mate explains they only needed one post Friday.

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The Content Calendar

The promoter requested a content calendar. The Captain conquered every date.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The First Mate tells the Captain that the livestream is buffering, so the Captain orders the crew to seize the stream. The crew hauls a huge enchanted barrel of swirling water aboard while the First Mate explains it is water. At the show, the Captain proudly presents the captured stream, but the First Mate says it is still buffering.

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The Buffering

The livestream is buffering. The Captain captures the stream. It remains unconquered.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The Captain hears that the venue requests the band’s backline and orders it formed behind them. On deck, the crew assembles a literal line of skeletons while the First Mate points out that the backline means amplifiers. On stage, the silent skeleton formation stands behind the band while the Captain celebrates and the First Mate says they still need the amps.

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The Backline

The venue requested a backline. The Captain delivered one. The amps remain unconquered.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The Captain hears that the venue has an open mic and orders the crew to open a chained antique microphone. The crew breaks its seal on deck while the First Mate explains it is a microphone. In the final panel, a tiny banshee screams from the opened microphone while the Captain proudly calls it a singer.

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The Open Mic

The Captain hears “open mic” and releases the voice inside. Unfortunately, it has notes.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The Captain hears that an algorithm favors consistency and orders the undead crew to become one. The crew marches in identical poses while the First Mate objects that they are a band. In the final panel, the algorithm rejects them as repetitive and the Captain calls it a tactical victory.

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The Algorithm

The algorithm favors consistency. The crew takes that as a command.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The First Mate tells the Captain that the venue requests a soundcheck, so the Captain orders the crew to find the sound. The crew searches the deck while the First Mate explains it is a microphone test. In the final panel, the Captain proudly guards a crate of captured sound beside a microphone while the First Mate says it was never missing.

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The Soundcheck

The crew hears “soundcheck” and launches a full-scale search for the missing sound.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The Captain sees a playlist and orders the fleet prepared. On deck, he launches glowing track-boats while the First Mate explains they are songs. In the final panel, the Captain admires the fleet while the First Mate says it was six songs.

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The Playlist

The Captain mistakes a playlist for a literal fleet and launches the tracks.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. In the captain’s cabin, the Captain hears that the venue says the band lacks bandwidth and orders more rope. On deck, the crew hauls an enormous glowing rope aboard while the First Mate explains it is the anchor line. In the final panel, the rope has pulled the ship sideways and the Captain proudly calls it excellent tension.

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The Bandwidth

The venue asked for more bandwidth. The crew brought rope.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The Captain and First Mate discuss a merch drop in the captain’s cabin, so the Captain orders the merchandise dropped from the ship. On deck, the crew tips a chest of shirts overboard. In the final panel, shirts scatter across the moonlit sea and the bassist observes that at least the sea is wearing them.

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The Merch Drop

The crew hears “merch drop” and gives the ocean first access.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. In the captain’s cabin, the First Mate tells the Captain that a promoter requests an email blast, and the Captain orders a broadside. On deck, the crew fires correspondence from the ship. In the final panel, letters rain over the coast while the First Mate explains they meant a newsletter and the Captain declares that the mail has conquered the coast.

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The Email Blast

The crew answers a promoter’s email-blast request with a literal broadside.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. In the captain's cabin, the First Mate says a blog needs a press kit and the Captain orders the press readied. The drummer cranks a giant antique press while the Captain demands heroic flattening. Backstage, the First Mate explains they meant photos and a bio, and the Captain says the bio fought well.

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The Press Kit

The crew prepares an electronic press kit with the wrong kind of press.

Three-panel comic: the First Mate tells the Captain the venue needs a stage plot. The Captain treats it as a treasure map and orders the crew to dig beneath the monitors. The final panel reveals the band on a wrecked stage while the First Mate explains they meant where the drums go.

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The Stage Plot

Every venue asks for a stage plot. The crew supplied a very literal one.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. In the captain’s cabin, the undead pirate band learns the booking portal wants two authentication factors. The Captain offers fear and steel as the two factors while the First Mate says that is not authentication. In the final panel, the parrot handles the phone code.

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Two-Factor Boarding

The Captain approaches two-factor authentication with fear, steel, and one overqualified parrot.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. In the rehearsal hold, the undead pirate captain tells the band to obey the click while the first mate clarifies that it is a metronome, not a cannon. The drummer says he hears three clicks, and the first mate reveals those are his knees.

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The Click Track

The Captain adds a click track. The drummer follows every click he can hear.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The undead pirate captain sees a merch report, orders the crew to stop an abandoned cart from escaping, and the first mate reveals it was one hoodie.

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The Abandoned Cart

The Captain learns about abandoned carts and responds with the only reasonable tactic: harbor lockdown.

Three-panel Cursed to Conquer comic. The undead pirate captain celebrates tiny streaming royalties, aims a cannon at the sky to seize the rest, and the guitarist admits they spent six cents celebrating.

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The Royalty Hoard

The Captain receives the streaming royalty report and immediately declares a campaign against math.

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